This has been a weird week for me as I sit and process the death of my birth mother. As I said in the first blog post on this subject, many if not all adopted children deal daily with the fear of being abandoned even as adults - it's the monster that lurks in the back of the room and you never know when it's going to strike.
Another thing that struck me is the emotion of being detached. Emotional detachment is a self-protection tool that is used by those who have been adopted. It works hand in had with the feeling of abandonment, if a person doesn't feel safe allowing the emotions to be seen, it becomes too difficult to stuff those feelings down, it is easier to not acknowledge them. This is especially true if the emotions go against what is expected by those around the individual.
The ability to detach from the hurtful situation is the way a person protects that inner self from more hurt. Protecting that inner child from any more harm becomes the primary job of the unconscious brain. I've perfected this skill over the years without even realizing I was doing it. It's not that I don't want to feel emotion - but life has a way creating those moments.
The unconscious act of emotional detachment has tried to protect that inner child - sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's appropriate and sometimes it isn't but as with most things in life, this is when I step up to the plate and realize what is happening and take action.
I have had to mentally tell myself to feel the emotion of the emotional milestones. Happiness is not a problem - but separation, death, disappointment or other negative emotions tend to be stuffed down and not dealt with. Those around the individual who is dealing with emotional detachment need to allow that person to work through the situation without criticism. No one besides that person knows what is going on inside the brain - criticism or telling them they are cold will only make them retreat even further inside.
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