A Tale of Two Mothers - - Part 2

This has been a weird week for me as I sit and process the death of my birth mother. As I said in the first blog post on this subject, many if not all adopted children deal daily with the fear of being abandoned even as adults - it's the monster that lurks in the back of the room and you never know when it's going to strike.

Another thing that struck me is the emotion of being detached. Emotional detachment is a self-protection tool that is used by those who have been adopted. It works hand in had with the feeling of abandonment, if a person doesn't feel safe allowing the emotions to be seen, it becomes too difficult to stuff those feelings down, it is easier to not acknowledge them. This is especially true if the emotions go against what is expected by those around the individual.

The ability to detach from the hurtful situation is the way a person protects that inner self from more hurt. Protecting that inner child from any more harm becomes the primary job of the unconscious brain. I've perfected this skill over the years without even realizing I was doing it. It's not that I don't want to feel emotion - but life has a way creating those moments.

The unconscious act of emotional detachment has tried to protect that inner child - sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it's appropriate and sometimes it isn't but as with most things in life, this is when I step up to the plate and realize what is happening and take action.

I have had to mentally tell myself to feel the emotion of the emotional milestones. Happiness is not a problem - but separation, death, disappointment or other negative emotions tend to be stuffed down and not dealt with. Those around the individual who is dealing with emotional detachment need to allow that person to work through the situation without criticism. No one besides that person knows what is going on inside the brain - criticism or telling them they are cold will only make them retreat even further inside.

The Tale of Two Mothers

The Tale of Two Mothers

One mother was able to conceive

One was not….

One gave her genetics

One gave her name

One hungered to hold her baby

One raised the baby to adulthood

One missed all the milestones

One was there for the scraped knees and accomplishments

Neither mother has a greater importance

For without one – there wouldn't be the other…….

-Chrisley A. McElligott-Colwill

Life tends to get a little haywire at times - the cycle that is life, rolls along whether we want it to or not. As I sit here and type, my thoughts go to my birth family as has Liz finished her heroic fight with cancer. As one generation finishes their race - another generation comes on the scene, as we learned that my daughter will give birth to child #2 at the end of May. 

This leads into conversation about my adoption and my thoughts about adoption and my life story. If you had asked me 30 years ago how I felt about adoption, you would have gotten an entirely different answer than you will get today.

Don't get me wrong - I don't in anyway feel that my life or my adoption is a negative, in fact - it has been a blessing in my life. It has brought siblings and half-siblings into my life that enriched my life as well as the rest of my families life. It also gave me a sister (adoptive) that means the world to me and experiences that were unique to our family. Both my adoption and my biological family reuniting with me are blessings and I would not reverse any action in my life.

What I have come to realize is how much hidden damage comes along with adoption. My own personal experience and those that I have observed has convinced me that unless the child is in extreme danger, there is no reason to separate and break the mother/child bond. 

The damage that is created by tearing a newborn away from the person who nurtured that little body for the past 9.5 months is not something that can be seen nor is it something that appears immediately. This damage is stealth, hidden and will appear at the oddest times so that that child, no matter what age, does not even realize the root of the reaction. The fear of being abandon again plays out over and over again in every situation and every reaction. For me, it played out in my upbringing as well as my marriage. The fear of being abandoned or rejected was one of the keys to my not bucking the system. Yes, I am the oldest child and that does come with the territory but there are many times that I wanted to do something and allowed parental disapproval to change my mind. In itself this is not a horrible thing but it does feed into the feeling that if I don't do exactly what they approve of what is the potential of being rejected? I think this is a real fear for many adoptee's no matter how balanced an upbringing they had.

All this is not to dwarf the damage for the birth mom. The decision that may have not been her willing decision - one that may have been forced on her for the sake of what is "proper". I can't speak to this side of it - but I do know the heartbreak that Liz lived with and the relief she felt when she realized that after we were separated I had a good upbringing with a good family.

Our reunion brought it's own issues. Both parties had unspoken boundaries and both parties were very good at respecting those boundaries but that didn't keep my mom and dad or my birth parents from feeling left out or getting feelings hurt. I am grateful that both parties grew to know each other and allowed the other to share our life experiences but I always felt bad when I had to make a decision that favored one over the other.

I'm glad that things have changed over the years and more single moms are able to raise their own children. I pray that these single moms have a good support system to help in raising these children. I know there are situations that are not positive and separation does need to happen.... my request of all adoptive parents is that you enter into long term counseling - with a counselor that understands the issues of adoptive families. While my hubby and I were separated, we went to a wonderful counselor who specialized in adoptive families. She was able to point out to my WHY I felt and reacted the way I did and explained to the hubby that the damage was real and was not going to go away quickly if at all.  It was worth the effort and frustration that we went through at the time. 

If you are an adoptive parent reading this - remember these thoughts when your child reacts negatively to something....think it through and from their perspective.
If you are an adopted child - your fears are real.....your feelings are real - you are not weird or damaged.....you have scars that you can use to the positive....  Everything works together for the good.....